Internet Crooks: You Are the Beneficiary of $36 Million + U.S. Dollars

It is indeed a laugh when I open my e-mail and once again have been bequeathed millions of dollars from some long-lost distant relative; someone I have never met who made me beneficiary of his or her will.  The deceased relative stuffed tons of cash in a bank somewhere in Somalia or Darfur or some other remote part of the third world and left his or her fortune – enough money to solve the problem of hunger in most third world countries – to poor ole’ me.

It never ceases to amaze me.  The crooks sending these spam messages write with such confidence and arrogance, but they really should learn to spell correctly, they do not punctuate properly, nor do they have a basic grasp of the English language.

Have to give it to them; they are imaginative.  The most recent million-dollar e-mail scandal I have received (below) is from the Director of the FBI.  That’s ballsy, and very stupid!

But seriously people, these are crooks attempting to steal your information.  Never give anyone your personal information over the internet.  Once they have your information, before you know it, your small fortune has left your country and is in a bank in some third world country being used by drug lords or sex predators to fund illegal operations.  As far as tracking these scandalous internet culprits down, it’s a lost cause.  The federal government has better things to waste money on when it comes to matters of diplomacy and international relations and local authorities have no jurisdiction overseas.

I say, if you can’t beat them, at least let them know you are not as dimwitted as they are and have fun with it!  I always respond to the e-mail bandits (the response below must be read to be appreciated).  Most times the response is returned – undeliverable (Gee, now there’s a surprise!).  Other times the black hole of cyber Calcutta consumes it.  I have yet to receive a single return response to my numerous replies.  I figure, what the heck, if by chance one of these crooks who are trying to get my information, just once, reads my letter telling them how stupid they appear, perhaps for a split-second, they will have a conscience – they will be embarrassed, but highly doubtful.

Then I back it up and send the company or organization whose logo or information they are plagiarizing – in this case the FBI – a copy of the original e-mail sent to me.  Maybe it will make a difference, maybe not, but my conscience is clear.  Then I wash my hands of the mess and I daydream of the millions or billions of dollars, I could have had sitting in an overseas bank account accruing interest.  What a dream!

My name is Dane Ladwig and this has been a… View From My Loft

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OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FBI DATED: 03/21/12…

From:	Robert   Swan Mueller <info@fbi.gov>Add to Contacts
To:

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OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR ROBERT MUELLER III FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WASHINGTON DC. FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET.

 

The federal bureau of investigation (FBI).Through our intelligence monitoring network has discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously was legal.Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via APEX BANK, so we the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington Dc, in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have investigated through our monitoring network that your transaction with the APEX BANK is legal and all beneficiary can claim there fund due to the recent meeting held in Washington on 30 December 2011.

You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your US$36.700,000.00 (Thirty Six Million Seven Hundred Thousands United States dollars.We the federal bureau of investigation decided to contact the APEX BANK in charge for them to give us their procedures on how to send this money to you without any further complain or delay. We just got an information from the APEX BANK that your US$36.7,M is ready to be wired to your bank account without any further delay.

You are hereby required and advice to contact the APEX BANK Secretary Mr. Kingsley Agwor (kingsleyagwor450@live.com) with your full contact details so that they can proceed in getting your funds to you. It might interest you  to know that we are here to protect you from any problem till you receive your funds, you can as well get in touch with us through the above e-mail address and the helpline desk.

Looking forward to hear from you as soon as you receive this message.

Best Regards,

Robert Swan Mueller

Federal Bureau of Investigation

J.Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue,

NW Washington, D.C

20535-0001, USA

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/executives/director

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Response Letter:

03/26/2012

Dear Robert Swan Mueller; Executive Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations,

Indeed, it is an honor to receive a personal “official” letter from the Executive Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI).  However, I am a bit confused. The above communication states I have received a previous “transmission”, which notified me of a “bank transaction” of $36,700.000.00 U.S. dollars of which I am the beneficiary.  I do not recall such a “transmission”.

The fact the FBI would have “contacted the Apex Bank” on my behalf to arrange the transfer of funds, without my knowledge, heightens my confusion.  It has been my experience; federal institutions throughout the U.S. do very little on behalf of any citizen for any reason, short of an act of congress provoking action.  Why does the FBI have a concern for my financial welfare?

Furthermore, I am extremely perplexed over the U.S. government’s decision to place an individual in charge of the FBI who writes a formal business letter with such neglect to grammar and punctuation.  I am hard-pressed to place my trust, the trust of my financial affairs, or the trust of my country, in a federal department of defense (the FBI), which clearly has no formal training in how to draft a professional comprehensible letter.

Unfortunately, I am forced to reject your request for my personal information.  I fear, with the neglect for the English language displayed in your “transmission”, my information would not receive proper interpretation from the FBI, causing further confusion and would result in costly federal expenses to correct an embarrassing predicament.  In addition, your communication states the FBI will “protect you from any problem till you receive your funds”, with all due respect; frankly, I am not comfortable with those terms.

I would hope, in the event the FBI cannot find me at my home where I have lived for several years, the funds promised me by your “transmission” of $36,700,000.00, would be donated to a greater cause – a government program requiring all federal employees receive a copy of Hooked on Phonics® sounds like a worthwhile cause.

Sincerely,

Dane Ladwig